i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
