Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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