haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
