so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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