When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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