and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
