the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
