Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I believe in your delicious
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
