My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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