My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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