I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
