so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
