I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Randomize
