jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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