My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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