Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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