I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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