my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
