from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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