As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I need a beard to bite.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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