Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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