I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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