you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
