i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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