You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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