Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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