My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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