I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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