You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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