So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
