Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
