Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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