please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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