if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
