I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize