I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
