I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
