I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
