Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
