I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize