Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
