I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just google imaged poop.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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