He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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