if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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