i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
