I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
