Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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