I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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