She tied me up with her honor cords...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
