I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize