I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
