If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
