birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
