News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
