were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
