That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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