Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
